Month: February 2016

For a long time, I didn’t let myself create for fun. I grew up thinking there were generally two types of people in the world: creative people and non-creative people. I cringe even writing that, because I know now how flawed that thinking is, but for whatever reason(s), that’s what I thought.

Being told I was a numbers person as I got older caused me to then jump to the conclusion that I belong in the latter camp of people, and it’s taken me a solid 23 years to realize what a mistake it was to assume that, and to make strides to reverse it.

I’ve realized that just because our name isn’t Picasso or Monet, and we don’t have a career in the arts, doesn’t mean that we can’t grow our artistic muscles and discover what creativity means to us.

I’ve only recently been allowing myself to explore what creativity looks like to me, and it’s been really eye-opening. Turns out I like to write. Who knew?

Am I the best writer? No. I’m not even a great writer. But writing for fun makes me feel like I’m doing something good. Like I’m fulfilling some sort of purpose, and making something of value, even if the value is just simply me having an avenue for me to get my thoughts on paper.

I think it’s because we’re all creative beings. We were created in the image of a creating God, and just as God creates, so should we. And it can look different for everyone. Writing (articles, poems, songs), drawing, gardening, photography, painting, building, dancing… the sky’s the limit.

I think it would do us a lot of good to all find a hobby that allows us to create, and to then allow ourselves to pursue that hobby without putting pressure on ourselves to become the best at it. In a society that gets so caught up in goals (myself included), for once we should allow ourselves to just do something for the sheer joy of doing it, and for the way that it allows us to explore, understand, and get to know ourselves and other people.

I have a problem…

I could take this post in so many different directions right now, because Lord knows I have a lot of problems (lol), but the problem that’s on my mind today is the fact that so many of the things I do in my life, I do for the wrong reasons.

Let’s use going to the gym as an easy “for instance.”

I attest to the notion that exercise improves health, and is a good thing for us humans to make a habit of. Because of that, I try to go to the gym, or get some form of exercise in at least a few times a week. It’s been only recently though, that I feel like I’ve actually been making an effort to go for the right reasons.

People who know me know I have a tendency to get caught up in extremes, and a lot of times it’s not until I swing from one end of the spectrum to the other that I realize the best space to be in is neither extreme, but somewhere in the middle instead.

So I’ve been a gym-goer now for over 8 years, and when I first started going, I went because I felt “less than.” I had to lose weight. I had to gain muscle. I had to look better. I had to fit in. I was insecure. I had to work out, because I wasn’t good enough. Working out was a punishment for being not enough.

Then, after I realized that wasn’t good, I incidentally swung the opposite direction. I went to the gym because it made me feel “better than.” I went to feel good about myself. I liked getting up at 5am to work out, knowing that the majority of society was still sleeping, because in my head that meant I was more motivated and had more drive than those people. Working out was a reward for being better than other people. Working out made me prideful.

God’s reminded me lately that neither of those reasonings were valid for working out. I am not any less than others, nor am I any better than others, and to think that going to the gym could affect my worth in any way at all was silly and altogether incorrect thinking.

We’ve been given bodies to steward in this life, and it is a gift from God, and nothing we could have earned, to be able to use those bodies to their fullest potential.

The goal of going to the gym for me has now become an effort to contribute to the health and vitality of my body, because as I increase my strength, I increase my capacity to work for the glory of God. The more that I can thrive as a result of getting proper physical exercise, the more I’ll be able to help in spreading Love throughout this world. What an opportunity!

Working out is no longer something that stems from insecurity or from pride, but instead is a celebration of the capabilities that God’s given us through our bodies.

Plus, the physical act of pushing myself to become stronger and continuously change myself for the better in that way, serves as a powerful reminder to me that we have the ability to push ourselves to places we’ve never been before both emotionally and spiritually, as well.

Life is not a punishment. Life is not a reward. Life is a gift.

If you ask me (I know you didn’t ask me, but I’m going to pretend that you did), we are far too absorbed in things that don’t matter in this day and age.

I see girls (and guys) all around me so concerned with what they look like, how they come across, and how others perceive them… it makes me kind of sick tbh. It bothers me so much, because these are things I have a tendency to be far too concerned with myself, if I’m not careful.

If we think about our lives as plants, really simply put:

So again, the question in my head lately has been:

When I think about what it would look like to really eliminate regret, and actually use the time and gifts I’ve been given to their fullest in this life, I think about:

• Not letting the lack of apparent feasibility of a goal keep me from following my calling
• Not letting what others may think of me dictate my actions
• Not letting people’s expectations, or my expectations of myself, hinder progress
• Accepting and appreciating everyone in my life, and letting everyone, from new friends to family, know that they’re loved

The list goes on…

The fears that so often stop me range from:

• Fear of failure, to
• Fear of success, to
• Fear of the unknown, to
• Fear of rejection, to
• Fear of embarrassment or vulnerability

Some of these fears are one in the same, but for the sake of time, I’m going to just ramble about fear of embarrassment or vulnerability, as it relates to appreciating my mom and dad and letting them know they’re loved. My parents are the two people in my life that know me the best, and have loved me unconditionally (in spite of that)… so I’ve been wondering lately:

Why do I not go out of my way to let them know how much I care about and appreciate them? Why do I so often take their presence and their love for granted? Why do I feel I’m entitled to treat them, of all people, with contempt if I’m not having the best day, even when they’ve been the ones most unconditionally loving and gracious towards me?

If I were to die tomorrow, would I regret leaving things in the state that they are in, in this moment?

The answer to the last question is, “Crap… Yes!” Now, I don’t think I’m a terrible daughter, and I’m not saying that I never tell my parents that I love them. We actually have a great relationship, relatively speaking. What I’m saying is there is a lot of room for improvement, and I’m wondering why I’m not working to make those improvements more proactively, given that life is so fleeting.

I’m going to steal a quote that Jan Carlberg quoted in her latest post, because I think it relates:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable,” (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves).

Recently, I’ve made a vow to myself to not let fear of rejection and embarrassment as it relates to vulnerability keep me from being my true self. This is the beginning of a journey that doesn’t have an end, and I’ve already failed a LOT in trying to doing this, but I’m convinced intentions like this are what allow us to climb the ladder of life to the top with the most Love in our hearts. Baby steps, right?

Yesterday I talked to my parents about all of these thoughts I’ve been having. I cried and told them I love them and appreciate them, and the whole thing was so unbelievably terrible and ugly, but also so liberating and Good.

This is what I’m learning:

Success isn’t eliminating fear. Success isn’t not experiencing rejection or embarrassment.

Success is being scared, but still being willing to experience the things we fear regardless.

Success is vowing to not allow fear to cause you to wait for a reminder of death to prompt you to live the way you know you’ve always been meant to live.

Success is knowing that the lies that the enemy feeds us in our heads about how we are unworthy of life, love, and success, are absolutely false.

One of the biggest things I fear is that the reaction I will get from putting myself out there, from pursuing my calling, from telling people how I feel, might affirm the lies in my head, thus making them true.

Success is knowing that if that does happen, it doesn’t make the lies any more true. The enemy will always try to tell us we are worthless, whether it’s through our own insecurities, or through the manifestation of other people’s insecurities in our own lives.

Remembering that we are more than enough, not because of what we’ve done, but because Christ has made us more than enough, will put Satan in his place, allowing us to rise triumphant as we boldly carry out our callings for the glory of God. I hope that we can all build each other up as we work to each become our true selves.

I’ve never been one to advocate living life with no regrets, because sometimes, I do have regrets.

I don’t think having regrets is such a bad thing, like a lot of people make it out to be. To me, having regrets just means that you’re willing to admit you didn’t (or did) do something you wish you did (or didn’t) do. It means calling yourself out on your shortcomings and admitting you’re not perfect.

As the incredibly wise Miley Cyrus once said, “Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has those days. Everybody knows what I’m talkin’ ’bout… Nobody’s perfect.” (Well said, Miley. Well said.)

I do think there’s a way to regret well, and a way to regret poorly, and that’s an important distinction to make before I go any further.

There is a difference between regretting something, dwelling on it, and allowing your negativity to catalyze you into doing more regrettable things, versus regretting something, asking God (and when applicable, others) for forgiveness, forgiving yourself for it, and picking yourself up and learning from it.

I am, of course, an advocate for the latter. Anyway, all this to say, I have regrets… the biggest one being, really simply, I’m not using the time and gifts I’ve been given in this life to their fullest potential. I’m not living life to the fullest. (See last post for details on what got me thinking about all of this in the first place).

Then this past Sunday, the pastor spoke about regrets. This happens a lot. When God is trying to tell me something, I think about it in my head, and it’s confirmed in different areas of my life – a lot of times through the sermon the next Sunday. Anyway, the pastor shared that in New York City, there is a chalk board set up where people can write down their biggest regrets. It turns out, people’s biggest regrets almost always are not things they did do, but things that they intended to do, but didn’t do.

So the question I’ve been asking myself lately is this:

A little bit of a run-on, I know, but the answer I’ve come to is simple: fear.

See next post for expansion on thoughts about fear/regrets…

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is: his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2)